The last line on a Facebook post I made recently where I announced to my network that I was soon to be undergoing back surgery.

Something that I have put off and shied away from for many years.

I have decided to write down my journey to surgery as it may, just may help any of you out there who might be facing issues with your body that you are truly convincing yourself that you can manage.

How long has this been going on for?

That is the first question that the consultants ask. I answer with two years or more recently a few months but in reality it has been ‘going on for’, forty years.

Yes, forty years. I remember clearly when my back had its first challenge, at college when I was doing a gymnastic section in my B.Ed. degree. In the middle of some move or another it locked and I was locked away for the rest of the summer, lying on my back trying not to move. Those were the days, when that is what you did when you put your back out. The days before we were told to keep moving and not let the muscles stiffen.

The ongoing issues with my back were like a wave, rising and falling at different points in my life. If I had kept a journal consistently back then, I would see that the back issues came with periods of stress in my life, whether that stress came from work or my personal relationships or personal issues. My back and posture impacted my knees leading to two arthroscopies along the way in my forties and early fifties. That stiffness in me, I know now stems from childhood trauma, an uncovering I have found through therapy and an exploration of self. That trauma is done, I cannot go back in time and change what happened to me, I can only work on myself now and that comes through acceptance.

Tomorrow, I am going to have a discectomy. Everyone has a view on back surgery, probably because we were told time and time again how precious our spines were and how we should look after it. I still have the caution in the voice of my mother ringing in my ears if we dared to be too joyful and energetic in our play when jumping on our bunk beds or across the garage roofs in the garden. The rhymes that would play out in our head as we skipped across the cracks in the pavement. ‘Step on a crack you will break your mother’s back.’

Our backs hold us firm and keep us upright.

Why have I used the word pilgrimage?

This time last year, I set out on part of the Camino de Santiago with a trusted guide and a group of women I did not know. At that point my back was in good order. I was ready to take this path. I had wanted to do this for some years but when the opportunity had been afforded to me in 2019 my back had gone into another spasm.

The path gave me everything I wanted, a richness of time, space and peace. A time to properly be with myself and my body, surrounded by nature that was so enriching.

This last week, I was due to walk another section of the path with my husband, retracing the steps of his own father who walked the Camino Frances many years ago. Sadly, that has now been postponed and maybe this is a path that he may have to take on his own in future years, for now it is out of reach for me.

What does pilgrimage mean to me?

Pilgrimage means facing up to something, working towards acceptance, a time for contemplation, a time for a journey and that journey for me is further self acceptance.

I believe that we are all on a pilgrimage, the pilgrimage of life. That journey is a mixture of highs and lows, but this pilgrimage is one that will look inward into as well as out to the next stage of my life.

So wish me well on my journey. I’ll be posting from time to time what is showing up on my path as I write about my recovery and what I find on my path. .

‘Buon Camino’, I heard time and time again last year, I am resurrecting those wishes of good luck as I pack my bag and get ready. .